Fearful Symmetries

Witness a machine turn coffee into pointless ramblings...

07 November, 2013

Officer, I've Shat Myself



Former FBI agent and law enforcement officer Dale Hanson has a book called Arrest-Proof Yourself and Atlantic Cities has a nice piece about it. The first step is to be invisible to police so they don't get in your face. But if they do and seem bound and determined to arrest you...

It's debasement time. Start with crying. Bawl hard while begging for a notice (the option here is a notice or jail, not notice/jail or getting off scot free). "Don't waste time worrying about what your friends will think," Carson says. "If they're with you, they're getting arrested too." If they're not with you, they won't know.

If crying fails, and you're willing to do whatever it takes to not go to jail, Carson advises you to "foul yourself so that the police will consider setting you free in order not to get their cruiser nasty." Vomit on your clothes. Defecate and urinate in your pants. Then let the officers know what you've done. If they arrest you anyway, you'll get cleaned and reclothed at the jail.

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|| Palmer, 10:09 AM

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