Horses' Mouths

Today’s plan is to get through the last 3 or so hours of work and then get the hell outta Dodge. I’ve decided to use up all those half-full jars of curry paste in the refrigerator by making curried chicken tonight. Well, I’ll try to use them up, at any rate. After dinner, I shall have the company of The Dulcinea. We haven’t seen each other since the weekend and I don’t think either of us has had an orgasm since then so we’re both keen on rectifying this situation.

I feel like a complete dunce as I blew a nice opportunity last night to hit on a hottie. Short with long brown hair. We chatted briefly in the cereal aisle but I neglected to stick around long enough. Bummer. I was so thrown off that I bought the wrong kind of milk.

I think I must have a self-esteem problem as I am, in general, horrible at hitting on womyn. In addition, I was quite disturbed by my reactions to various ads as I perused some at a site the other day. I’d find a picture of a nice-looking woman and check out a larger version only to find that, much to my dismay, I felt most of the women were just too beautiful for me, that I wouldn’t stand a chance with them. I then proceeded to curse the site for not being able to filter by marital status. “Just gimme the divorcees,” I pleaded.

Sometimes I feel like I’m looking a gift horse in the mouth. I mean, I have a woman who makes booty call to me. And, assuming her parental duties don’t conflict, is always ready and willing when I beckon. We’ve been e-mailing one another today and I got this:
I will likely need a shower, because, as we know, I am a dirty, dirty girl. And having my back scrubbed sounds very good...

For anything I’ve wanted to do in bed, she’s been a willing partner in crime. (In fact, I think the next thing we’re going to try is photography.) But I keep fantasizing about someone else. Not usually someone in particular, just this anonymous woman with small breasts and long hair. And it’s driving me nuts. I’ve been hanging out at places and at times that I normally wouldn’t just to increase my odds of finding such a womyn. And, as I said above, I’ve been perusing personals. Unfortunately, they’re not particularly helpful. Most women my age seem to either have kids or want them and, since I find that to be an immediate turn-off, I just move on to the next ad.

Yesterday was not a particularly good day. I felt very angry, very disillusioned. I’d read way too much about the awful things going on in the world. It made me feel helpless and hopeless. And very, very alone. Things did get better when I got home and could spend some time, well, alone. Having no one around to make demands on me proved very salutary. Honestly, I really don’t want to see The Dulcinea tonight but I do want to get laid. She hangs around too long. After sex, she wants afterglow and I want to either read, watch a movie or just do something – anything except lying in bed. Well, unless it’s to go to sleep. I dunno – I guess I just like post-coital solitude. There are no emotional bonds that need tending between her and me. Not on my side, anyway. But I must admit that The Dulcinea seems resigned to my emotional distance. At least I think so – I dunno. How can I tell? She keeps lending me books and giving me little gifts yet she’s unobtrusive. She doesn’t call or email all the time, which is nice. I worry that she’s gonna break off our arrangement and then I’ll be like a junkie without a dealer.