Refelctions of a Lousy Boyfriend

Whas up wit dat?! This is bullshit, I tell you! Porcupine Tree announced some West Coast tour dates yesterday. Not only that, but they also announced that Bob Fripp will be the opening act for a trio of those dates. While I'm not the biggest fan of Frippertronics on God's green earth, his appearance could lead to joining PT for a song or 2. I mean, he could set off a loop and then crank up his Gibson Les Paul for "Deadwing" or "Strip the Soul". I thought about this yesterday: I'd really love to hear "4 Chords That Made a Million". It's got a catchy geetar and that funky drum loop. It won't happen, but a dork can dream, can't he?

Tonight Christopher and I are going to see Tempest. We've got front row seats and I'm trying to save my voice so I can yell for "Nine Points of Roguery". I'm hoping that it'll be nice'n'loud cuz I want my ears to burst when Leif pulls out his double-neck electric mandolin and puts the hammer down on his fuzz pedal. I saw this morning that The Gourds will coming to town later this month - at the High Noon Saloon. That'll be cool. A buncha goddamn rednecks with their crazy folk-rock grooves. Plus I'd like to see Hanah Jon Taylor again. It's been a few years and I always got into the tunes with the oud or lyre or whatever the hell that thing is. Ooh! I see that Bill Maher will be in town come June. I'll have to grab me a ticket for that.

I went to see Sin City last night with The Dulcinea. The film was OK. While the cinematography and overall style was really cool, the characters and the story were mediocre. Kevin, as played by Elijah Wood, was the neatest of the bunch and he didn't have any dialogue. Most of the characters were just too familiar, too hackneyed. And the voiceover came across as a parody of Dashiell Hammett. I became suspicious when I saw that Quentin Tarentino was "Guest Director". What the fuck is that?! Then I saw Rutger Hauer's name in the credits. So maybe things would balance themselves. On top of Hauer, Powers Boothe's name also appeared. Unfortunately, they had supporting roles and precious little screen time. As I told The Dulcinea, the mise-en-scene was fascinating. But the story was boring and the characters didn't interest me. Oh, the sound was good, though. At first, I thought I was onto something. Some motif about the macho men having medical conditions - but it never went anywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if this and other details were more developed in the graphic novels but, in the film, they just felt like dangling details. It was a highly stylized gore fest. Still, it had its fun bits and the one character has red Chuck Taylors like me!

Seeing The Dulcinea again was nice. I'd been rather randy most of the day so the first thing I noticed about her were her breasts. Hey, she was wearing a new shirt that was tight and she has a nice pair and, well, I just couldn't help myself. We chatted during the pre-show crap and she shared her Raspberry Sour Altoids with me during the flick. I must admit that there were moments in which I really wanted to kiss her. Sitting there in our seats, our lips just a few inches apart. Yeah, the thought crossed my mind but I never acted on it. After the movie had finished, we stood out in the parking lot doing this strange pas de duex with each of us wanting to say something more than we were, each of us wanting to touch the other. Somehow. Physically and, perhaps, otherwise. I guess that I was contented with having seen her and not getting kicked in the cajones. It was odd because, having rediscovered a blog of hers earlier in the day, I went to our rendezvous actually having a lot to say to her. Not to say to her, but rather a lot that I wanted to discuss with her.

Intensify the world
Revolutions from within
Take everything in stride
The storied ghost you share

Reading her litany of complaints, I found that I knew them all by heart. Most of her accusations were true and ones with which I was very familiar. They were the ones that caromed inside my cranium for most of March. As I told her, I'm a terrible boyfriend. When things look like they're going alright, I just set myself on cruise control. But relationships are more like gardens than cars. A relationship needs nurturing. You must water it and make sure it gets enough sunlight. And there's always weed pulling to be done. I'm just too much like a dog. I'm all loyal and playful until something to the side catches my attention and then I'm off straining at my leash. Having a girlfriend is a very scary proposition for me. It means that I assume a role of responsibility for a womyn's happiness and her general welfare. That is a position that I should not be allowed to enter. It's like I have this natural aversion to having things demanded of me. It knocks equilibrium off. What ends up happening is that I devote time & attention to repairing the relationship and let everything else in my life slip. So I jump to the other end of the spectrum and devote my energy to these things only to find the relationship decline again. So I focus on it and get caught in this viscious circle.

There's not point in rambling on about this or that is her fault, blah blah blah. Somewhere along the way, we got into this circle and we never got out of it. I guess what I'd like her to know is that our breakup had nothing to do with her meeting my family or with her divorce becoming finalized. Unlike her, I like the freedom of not being beholden to others' desires. And I really didn't want to deal with her depression. So it can perhaps be rephrased to say that I like the freedom of not being beholden to others' desires and needs. I'm selfish. Which meant that I also did not want to assume a stepfather-esque role with her kids. Nothing against them, mind you, I just don't want any. I don't want to be a father nor a stepfather. At first I thought that I could be a friend to them but then it got to the point where I really didn't want to do so. At some point it just seemed like I was facing this wall of things that would make me beholden to others' desires and needs: a potential paternal role, a girlfriend who was depressed - I just felt like running away. I wanted a girlfriend who was able to go out and have fun and instead I was with someone who was, in certain ways, constrained. And I didn't want those constraints. When I realized this situation, my ability (desire?) to just do the normal things that boyfriends do dissipated as well. Add to this poor communication on both sides and, well, you know what happened.

I know I made the right decision last night. The tension between us was fun. I didn't feel like anything was expected of me. I was able to enjoy talking with her. And, gawk at her body, of course.