Communication

It was a great gift for me that my father-in-law and his wife have maintained our relationship in the face of my divorce. The former invited me out to dinner recently and I chose Vintage Brewing. I could get a good salad there and I was keen to sample Trickory, a hazelnut chicory porter.

It had nice nutty, roasty notes and took on the promised Nutella taste as it warmed. Good stuff.

We chatted away before, over, and after dinner. Our previous conversations have veered from the kids, to my wife, my wife's mother, how to live, et al. Our talk this time began as our chats usually do with a hefty dose about my stepsons. My worries about my youngest filled many a minute as he is really struggling while the oldest is more settled, more independent.

It is incredible to think that my oldest stepson will soon be 30. I can remember the first time I saw the trio that would become my family. It was at a coffeehouse where I was a regular and my wife came in holding each of my stepsons by the hand. The youngest had a look of timid confusion on his face while the oldest was eagerly looking around, perhaps in expectation of a cup of hot cocoa and a sweet treat. For her part, my wife looked stunning with her big brown eyes and a smile that gave her face a warm maternal glow.

So long ago, so much has changed.

When I met my father-in-law and his wife after the divorce got underway, one of the first things I did was to reassure them that my love for my stepsons and the help I could extend to them weren't going anywhere. Since then my father-in-law and I have uttered many words theorizing how to help them, especially the youngest. The will is there but the practical details are in short supply.

I pay his bills, buy him things he needs like a new phone, and try to keep him fed; I hug him when I see him and tell him that I love him. I do what I can and always feel like a failure and that I should be doing more or doing something differently.

Since the divorce began I've learned quite a bit. My father-in-law has been very forthcoming about various things and I've gotten new perspectives on my wife. Last time he told me about her childhood with an emphasis on her mother. This time around he took a different tack and told me about his divorces - why they happened, how they changed him, and how he got through them.

It was really enlightening to hear an older man talk about this subject so forthrightly, to reflect on his life in that way. He talked about the mistakes he made, his wife's foibles, and how he moved on and created a new life for himself, a process that I have just begun. His lessons gave me hope that my next life will be a good one if I reflect upon my mistakes and my wife's and learn to be a better partner.

From our conversations I've learned a lot about my wife, about her childhood, her relationship with her mother, and how these things have influenced her. The tales that my father-in-law has related have helped me understand the decline and fall of my marriage. They've also helped me see my wife as a flawed human being just trying to get through life just like me, just like the rest of us. I understand her not as a solitary figure who causes me great distress and makes me sad, but as part of a larger whole, someone who emerged from a particular family milieu, had her own unique life experiences, and merged her life with mine for a couple decades with all of that in tow. And, when I see her that way, I can feel my anger subside. Perhaps not completely, but to a great degree.

I don't want to live in anger and my conversations with my father-in-law have helped me find direction and ways to think about my situation that I think will help me live a life of joy, one filled with mirth.