Self-Reproach

I hate having a conscience.

The Dulcinea has been inquisitive as to the state of our relationship, specifically, whether or not monogamy is involved. So I emailed her saying that it wasn’t. For me, at any rate. And now I feel horrible. It’s just that I’m generally a very honest person. You see, I get this from my parents. My mother is honest in the sense of it just being the right thing to do – honesty as the best policy. My father was honest as well but more for the purpose of being blunt and avoiding social niceties. So here I am having told a really sweet woman over the course of a few emails that I basically love jumping her bones but have no intention of letting her very far into the circle of my sympathies. For millennia, men have been doing this with no qualms so why the fuck have I been endowed with this tremendous sense of guilt? Why can’t I do the fuck-and-run thing with no remorse as many have before me and will do so after? Truth be told, I’m a monogamous kinda guy it’s just that I tend to be monogamous with women sequentially.

”The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars but in ourselves.”

Stevie is vaguely dealing with the same issues. He went out on a blind date earlier this week and finds himself only slightly interested in the woman. Should he fuck her without any intention of pursuing a relationship? His situation differs from mine in that his date is a friend of his cousin’s girlfriend and so he could suffer opprobrium from such a course. I’ll let him deal with that. For my part, I feel as if I’m violating the Categorical Imperative and that Kant is shaking his head in disapproval. I’m using The Dulcinea as a means to an end and not as an end in herself. Or am I? Such dilemmas are what I get for having taken so many philosophy courses. Life is, in many ways, so much easier when left unexamined. Since this has come up, I find that I am less attracted to her. The allure of strings-free sex is strong and, now that it appears to be gone, I look to other pastures. This only serves to add to the guilt and telling myself that it’s just how it is and not a conscious decision doesn’t help alleviate it. If it were a conscious choice I could at least see any potential errors in judgment but there aren’t any. My brain just changed. Damn brains.

On a different tact, I landed me a job. I have a brief orientation tomorrow afternoon and then start proper on Monday. Aside from any boost to my ego this may entail by being a more contributing member of society, I am elated that I won’t be tied to a phone! How fucking long has that been? And I’ll get to work downtown where a few friends do so we can lunch together. Another benefit is benefits. It’s been a while since I’ve had insurance so I’ll soon be able to go to the doctor and be told to quit smoking again and to the dentist for a cleaning. A new pair of spectacles wouldn’t be bad either. Best of all, they have tuition reimbursement so I can get all certified or whatever and make them pay for it. We shall see how it goes working at a state agency again.