Marv told the following story last night which I found to be humorous:
He walked into The Paradise one time via the back door. Walking towards the threshold, he noticed that there was a cow head in the dumpster. Now, The Paradise is a bit shady but a cow’s head is not exactly what one would expect to see in a tavern’s dumpster. A human body, maybe but not a bovine extremity. So he goes in and tries to discover why it would be in The Dise’s dumpster. Here’s what he discovered: Shitty (no one calls him by his given name, Jeff) had gotten into an argument with a Native American kid who claimed that he could tan leather but that he’d need cow brains to do so. At the time, at least, Shitty worked at the Oscar Meyer plant so he brings the cow head in one night for the kid who could extract the precious grey matter for tanning. Obviously the removal of the brain didn’t go over well with him so he just threw the head in the dumpster while walking out of The Dise. OK. Maybe you had to be there.
Work yesterday was supremely boring except for one humorous incident. Afterwards, I headed straight out to Alex Polish American Deli on Monroe Street to get the goods for dinner. I get there and find that the old duff who was there last time was behind the counter. But, in addition, there was a hot blonde there as well. She was on the phone while he helped out a hot little mommy who spoke Polish and made me jealous. I gather a few things from the cooler and the shelves and then start getting meat. Putting my basket on the counter, the womyn greets me and we start talking. She goes on about how stupid she thinks vegetarians are before laying the sales pitch down hard. I had a bag of various chocolates so she asks if I’d had the vodka chocolates. “No,” I replied. “Oh! You must try them!” she blurted out. So she takes me to the shelf and points them out. “These are so good! You MUST try them!” she continued. Not only was she gorgeous but she had that Polish accent which drove me crazy. The combination was hypnotizing and turned me into a shopping zombie.
”Must buy vodka chocolates.”
Then I explained that I would be cooking a big Polish meal including bigos so she took me a different shelf and started pointing out various seasonings. “Put this in your bigos – it adds great flavor!”
”Must buy seasoning packet.”
On and on it went. She pointed out a good hangover cure too. Before all was said and done, I had bought way too much. But I did get a sample of their bigos and some recipe variations. Her final sales pitch was for an herbal antacid. That, however, I didn’t buy. As we spoke, I asked about fresh sausage as there was none in the display case. It was in the freezer. So I bought some of that. They get it from Andy’s Deli which is 3 blocks from my mom’s apartment and a place I go to whenever I’m in Chicago so I know the links will be might fine.
From there it was off to Copps to get the remaining items, including cooking wine. Of course, I couldn’t find Madiera. I circled the wine shelves 3 times to no avail. So I got something else that was hyper-cheap. Standing in line, I found myself behind this guy who took what seemed like half an hour trying to figure out exactly how he wanted his 12-packs of Olympia Ice Dry Draft Light bagged. Finally I got to make my purchase and was off to Dogger’s. Upon arriving, I unpacked all my goodies and Dogger and I began cooking while Mel fed Miss Regan.
A word about Miss Regan: she is now a leviathan infant. I mean, she’s huge! And she’s got 4 teeth now and her hair is getting long. She was all happy last night; smiling at me constantly and she even reached out both arms to give her uncle a big hug. It was nice to see her this way considering the news I got this week. Her allergy results came in and she’s allergic to cats, diary products, soy, peanuts, eggs, and dust mites. Poor kid! According to Dogger, the results threw the allergist into fits of hysteria: “You must rip up all carpeting in your house and wash everything in hot water by tomorrow!” Very odd considering that she’s lived with a cat all of her life and drank soy milk for most of it. All in a carpeted house. The worst of all possible conditions. Yet she lives. And so Dogger and Mel were given a case of hypo-allergenic powdered formula – 8 containers which retails at $142 – for free. There are plans to remove the carpeting and Jack is going to his new home in Milwaukee on Wednesday. I’ll miss Jack. He’s always fun to play with.
Mel was in good spirits. She’s slow but she manages to get around. It’s always a good sign when a stroke victim retains her sense of humor. Mel remarked how much she appreciates things like pre-chopped garlic nowadays. It was interesting to see how the dynamic between Dogger and Mel had changed, had morphed. E.g. - Dogger was constantly asking/telling Mel to do this or that. Not in the sense of being bossy but in the sense of getting her to be active. To walk and use her hand. While she still has a long way to go and may never regain all of her motor skills, it was heartening to see she still has her sense of humor and hear that she had done some cooking herself. I shared my chocolate stash with her before I started cooking. She then gave Miss Regan a bath and I cut onion and friend up some of the stuffed bacon that I’d bought. Now, bacon alone is a fucking culinary treasure but this was stuffed with what looked and tasted like liver pâté. Fuck me, was it good! Dogger busted open the wine which, considering it cost $6, wasn’t that bad. Sure, it had that cheap alcohol flavor to it but it also had a pleasant grapey taste. I warned him that, while I wouldn’t be needing much for cooking purposes, not to make the nipping too big of a habit.
It dawned on us that we had a country ton of food so Mel told Dogger to call someone and have him/her come over to eat. Firstly he called Marv who replied that he had just stuffed himself. She then suggested her friend Jennifer with whom she worked at Foley & Lardner. I liked this suggestion as Jennifer not only was a really fun person but also because she’s hot. At the end of the day, Marv was cajoled into vomiting up his McDonalds and to come over and eat some real food.
Unfortunately, I don’t have pictures. We had Royal Chicken, Bigos, and Kartoflane Kluski. I fucked up the Kluski and so they were too loose but tasty nonetheless. We all ate waaaay too much. Mel hit the rack shortly thereafter while Dogger and I hung out with Marv in the garage as he glued Dungeons & Dragons map segments to this poster board stuff. Then we settled in for The Simpsons which was hilarious. It was the episode that told the story of one day from the viewpoints of the different characters. Homer gets his thumb cut off and it was just hilarious. Marv and I took off around 11:30 with still-full bellies.
I came home and burned a Doctor Who drama so I could curl up in bed and listen to it. I’d finished The One Doctor on Thursday night and, oh man, it was good. Mel and the fake Doctor were given 30 minutes to assemble a shelf or be killed. The problem was the parts kept changing as did the assembly instructions. And The Doctor and his imitator got into several verbal skirmishes. The fake Doc raked into The Doc about his use of proper English. “It’s like arguing with Roget!” he complained. The Doctor retorted, “Mr. Roget was a very nice gentleman!” Just a lot of quick, sharp exchanges ala His Girl Friday.Some good quotes:
Mel: “These corridors all look the same.”
The Doctor: “No, not to a corridor veteran like me.”
The Doctor: “Look at that Mel! It's definitely not me!”
Mel: “How can you be so sure?”
The Doctor: “Well I've assumed several guises over the centuries but always maintained an essential air of Olympian dignity. Look at this buffoon!”
Mel: “He looks all right to me.”
The Doctor: “All right? All right! Florid complexion, nose like a mulberry, and his figure is positively rotund!”
Mel: “You're not exactly sylph like.”
The Doctor: “There is a difference between being big boned and being portly!”
This was funny because, in one of the last DW episodes Colin Baker did for TV, Mel had him on a exercise bicycle and drinking carrot juice.
I burned the first two episodes of …ish. The Doctor and Peri land on a planet where a conference of lexicographers clad in tweed is beginning. One of them commits suicide and leaves a note riddled with spelling errors – what’s up wit dat?! The story is about the power of language so there’s lots of big words – right up my alley. Plus The Doctor pontificates on English English while Peri sticks up for American English. Unfortunately, I fell asleep from my Bigos buzz about halfway through the first episode.
I also need to translate some Latin. Someone put a letterbox in Monona but the directions to find it are in Latin. I was able to translate part of it without a dictionary – you stick to the right on the paths and it’s near a big tree of some kind.
Coepit de primus semita vias ad piscina ambulabis. Sequebas semita inter duae piscinae. Quam semitas dividit, a dextrorsus ambulat. Paulisper semita iterum dividibit. Mane a semita a dextrorsus. Viginti de passus de furca, videt dextrosus in agris affectus a quinque magna carya ovata arbor. Proximus est caducus arbor. Riscus in fundus est.
On BookTV today, a guy is going to talk about gender differences and tomorrow Richard Dawkins will be on! Cool beans! Unfortunately he’ll be on at 2AM. Gotta figure out how to set the VCR to tape it. Oh, why can’t Becca have her TIVO now? Oh! I’ve gotta return stuff to the library before my overdue fines become outrageous.
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