Fearful Symmetries

Witness a machine turn coffee into pointless ramblings...

20 June, 2007

Critique of Pure Pizza

Nichole & JM of Eating in Madison A to Z recently hit the letter "I" with a stop at Ian's Pizza. They were assisted by a woman named Tiffany who ordered a slice of cheese & macaroni "pizza". Personally, I agree with chriscoyier, cheese & mac "pizza" is absolutely disgusting and an abomination unto cuisine. Furthermore, it's not pizza. Something slopped on a piece of round flat bread and baked does not a pizza make. The last time I was at Ian's I think that perhaps only 2 of the 6-8 varieties of pies they had available actually had honest-to-Christ tomato-based pizza sauce on them. These cheese & mac thingies should be seen as a variation of Medieval eating practices. The "topping" is really a casserole served atop a 21st century trencher. If you are compelled to eat the cheese & mac thingy, then eat the cheese & mac with a fork and then donate the trencher to someone who is wanting of food as was done in the Middle Ages. Perhaps a homeless person on State Street.

Glass Nickel is another egregious offender in this area which is one reason I avoid their food. (The other being that their pizza is not very good.) By "specialty pizza" the folks at Glass Nickel mean take whatever the fuck is lying around and slap it on dough. This usually involves plundering the salad bar and/or the deep fryer. Once that first drop of ranch dressing hits the dough, the object in question ceases to be a pizza in embryo and instead is transmogrified into something else entirely.

If you think this all a bunch of hooey, then I'll prove it to you. Look, it's really a matter of analytical cognition: the conception of pizza is NOT contained in our intuitions about a cheese & mac pie that we get from our senses because the conception of pizza omits cheese & mac, ranch dressing, French fries, &c. a priori. Of course, objects such as "cheese & mac pizza" can originate purely from the mind and are conceptions of reason. Thusly such pies are mere transcendental illusions. Q.E.D.
|| Palmer, 10:09 AM

13 Comments:

Blogger is evil. I just wrote an hilarious comment response to your curmudgeonly hatred of alterna-pizza.

Shorter me:
French fries on pizza ARE good.

La Roca (sp?) has great pizza.

Please review traditional pizza places in Madison.

D
Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:27 AM  
Isn't that the 2nd brilliant comment you've lost to the Blogger vortex? You've gotta start writing them in a text editor and pasting.

You want me to review traditional pizza places in Madison? I'll need a partner to help me. Where, oh where, can I find one?
Blogger Palmer, at 10:34 AM  
[puts on pizza tasting pants]

I'm ready!

P.S. M asked me to ask you if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight. I'm making barbecued chicken. (I'm skipping Math lab to work at home)

D
Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:15 AM  
In your review could you please settle the Chicago vs. New York Style debate?
Thanks.
Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:55 PM  
That will have to wait for my next pizzerial venture, "An Essay Concerning Human Understanding of Pizza".
Blogger Palmer, at 3:23 PM  
Pizza has no need for "purists" or "defense." Pizza is all-encompassing. Pizza is welcoming. Pizza accepts you.

If you think pizza must be pure, then you must de facto only accept the Marinara and the Margherita. No pepperoni. No sausage. No green peppers. No onions.

If you accept anything else, then you cannot close the door to any definitions.
Blogger Kyle aka TheBookPolice, at 5:15 PM  
Kyle - Notice that I did not appeal to an ur-pizza as you did when you strictly defined a pure pizza. As I wrote above: "Something slopped on a piece of round flat bread and baked does not a pizza make" and all your warm, fuzzy anthropomorphisms do nothing to change this.
Blogger Palmer, at 5:56 PM  
I'm sorry. I wanted to keep this vibe going, but I can't keep a straight face at "ur-pizza." Too funny.

But your sloppy flat bread comment begs the question: what does a pizza make?
Blogger Kyle aka TheBookPolice, at 11:58 PM  
Kyle - aren't you a denizen of some LOST forum? Can't you get excited about the premiere next week instead of raining on my Kant parody?

Mac & cheese has old roots but the stuff that Ian's uses is English in origin. When you put salsa on the dough, throw on refried beans, and some ground beef seasoned with Kraft taco seasoning, well, that's not a pizza. When people slop stuff on flat bread that divorces the dish from its Italian roots, it ceases to become pizza.
Blogger Palmer, at 9:04 AM  
you are a dumbass, Ian's pizza is the shit. They actually do something creative (which is more than I can say about you and your article) with their menu options. Just because they have more than cheese and pepperoni (which they do have and is very good) doesn't mean you have to criticize them. F*#% off
Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:49 PM  
Gee, thanks for such an intelligent comment. Can't get enough stupidity on the Internet.

If you think putting French fries on something is culinary "creativity", it is you who is a dumbass and have no taste. Stir Fry pizza (which was the special at Ian's this evening) is complete shit.

Thanks for reading and go fuck yourself.
Blogger Palmer, at 1:48 AM  
I guess I am curious as to why you keep on top of what Ian's is serving if you hate it so much? You obviously were just there as the stir fry slice (which is amazing by the way), was just started this month. Did you try the slice or just poo-poo it assuming you would hate it. You know what they say about assume. I guess I, personally, just pay attention to what I do like and blog about that. You should really look at the negativity in your life. Just a thought.
Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:59 PM  
Thanks for the pop psychology, anonymous. You know I just can't get enough of people reading a single blog post and turning around thinking they know me.

I was there last week at the behest of my girlfriend. Had the choice been mine, I would have opted for somewhere else. But needs must when the devil drives. I had a slice of the real stuff with the peppered salami on it. It was pretty good. However, their sauce is a bit on the bland side which probably explains its paucity on their pies.

Thanks for reading.
Blogger Palmer, at 1:45 PM  

Post a Comment