Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I hope my little letter reaches you, wherever you are. Pete and I talked it over and concluded that you were sent to Limbo. Better than the Ninth Circle, I suppose.

Well, it’s Thanksgiving here – your favorite holiday. There’s a chill in the air and we’re all getting ready for the first snowfall. I’ve decided to spend the day at home alone. I’ve got to work tomorrow so no extended trip was possible and I just felt that it would be a good time to sit around and look at some pictures of you and just remember. It’s something that I haven’t really done since you died. I’m told that everyone grieves in their own way and I guess this is how I do it. I was also inspired by a recent e-mail and phone call. Last week Don e-mailed me. He and Betty fled Florida for California just before the hurricanes hit. Oh, I suppose you don’t know – Florida was hit with a few nasty storms this summer. Don & Betty’s place came through unscathed, thankfully. Anyway, he said that they drove through Natchitoches on their way back home, which naturally brought you to mind. Overall, things were going well down south though he did remark that he missed Suzie a lot more than he thought he would.

That phone call was from your buddy Jerry Jayne in Chicago. Earlier this week, a letter from him arrived. It was addressed to you in Natchitoches. In it he basically said that he was trying to get a hold of you but had been unsuccessful so could the recipient of the letter please help him find you. I felt badly because I would have sworn that I’d left him a voicemail and e-mailed him when I was in Natchitoches right after you died. (He and Judy were traveling.) I didn’t relish the thought of calling him as I remembered how intense and intensely difficult it was to make all of those calls back in March. Talking to Walt and a few other of your IBM buddies was really difficult. It was interesting as each of the conversations seemed to follow the same pattern. Firstly was their initial shock at the news. They’d ask how you died. After that was more shock/disbelief. Inevitably, though they would start reminiscing. Most of them started by saying that they hadn’t seen me since I was a boy and, to my brain’s credit, I at least remembered who these people were. It was a real trip down memory lane for all of us. I remembered those times up at Stone Lake with Walt’s family. How he’d take the boat to a part of the lake and tell me to cast in a particular spot. I always caught something. I didn’t know that you’d known Walt since your days in the Army – nearly 50 years. Man, did he have stories! I heard a couple whoppers about you getting drunk and causing low-level mayhem in Germany together. Plus he told me about Elizabeth. It was weird because I had earlier gone through all of your pictures and slides. While most of them were from trips you and mom took, I found some of a beautiful woman standing in front of a German car. Presumably this was her. Walt said that you two were quite serious. I wonder why you two never married…?

But I figured that I’d better call Jerry and be done with it. I did so and it was just like the other conversations. The initial shock followed by asking what happened followed by reminiscing. He talked about you two going to Cubs’ games, amongst other things. Jerry also remarked how smart you were – smarter than most of the field engineers. This was funny to me because it made me see much of myself in you. I ended up doing basically the same job as you and am noted for being the kind of guy who reads philosophy during his lunch hour. Although I’d never met Jerry (at least not that either of us could recall), he seemed like a really nice guy and I was genuinely touched by his concern for you. He said that he was quite worried about you after Joni’s death and I believed him. It also saddened me greatly because all of those memories came streaming back and I began questioning myself. What more could I have done? Why didn’t I do more? That kind of stuff. And a paradox formed in my mind. How was it that I called so many people to tell them of your death yet you died so alone? Why didn’t you move to Florida? You’d have been near Don and Gene. Did you move to Louisiana because of Jean? There was that one alcohol-soaked time after Joni’s death when you said that you were in love with her – did you move down there because of her? When I called her to tell her of your death, she was remarkably…indifferent, for lack of a better word. She said she was sorry for my loss and hung up. Not that I’m judging her harshly because I never met the woman. But it seemed odd to me.

As I said, it was just weird that there were so many people that I had to talk to yet you lived your life in such solitude, rarely venturing away from Eleva to visit anyone. Even before Joni died, you only came to visit me two or three times down here in Madison. I guess I just don’t understand why you had such a desire for the hermetic lifestyle and what you found so repulsive about visiting your son. Jerry said something which really hit me. He told me that you had told him that you felt regret about being estranged from your family. It felt nice to know that you loved me despite it having been near impossible to express to me. You had said something like this about your mom but never about me or Carl. So many questions…I can’t help but wonder why you hated (your word) your father. I wish I could have met the man. Instead all I have are a couple photographs. How is it that you carried your hate to your grave while Gene let it go? And what about grandma? Why the vast distance between you? Misanthropy will always be a mystery to me, I guess.

So what’s been happening in this world, you ask. Well, in May I went up to Eau Claire as Joni’s family was having a reunion out at Fritz and Mo’s. Jeff flew in for the occasion. It was a good time. Don retired on schedule in July and moved down to Florida at the end of the month. Also in July, mom’s uncle Harry died. I went down for the service. Ted Jack is now the patriarch of the family but grandma is still the eldest matriarch and holds all the real power. It really drove home just how time marches on and how things change. The changing of the guard, so to speak. Most of the movers and shakers of the family in my youth are now retiring and us younger folk are just being a bunch of slackers. One nice thing that has resulted from your death is that I’ve begun contact with Guy. He retires next month and will be a civilian once more. Gene & Sally are OK but I guess their house sustained damage from the hurricanes this summer. I really must call them.

More generally, the world is much the same as when you parted it. The debacle in Iraq continues with people on all sides dying everyday. Bush got reelected and the world waits for him to decide which country to invade next. The economy is still shaky and the IT job market still sucks unless you’re a Java programmer.

For my part, I’m working at the state for an indeterminate length of time fixing computers. Life’s been going alright. I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately as I’m in Intellectual Mode. I remember as a kid how you’d come home, turn on the television, and sit in front of it reading. You’d take off your tie and undo the top button of your shirt. I recall very vividly one instance you sat there reading Foundation’s Edge by Isaac Asimov. You held the book in one hand and fiddle with you lighter in the other as the smoke from a Carlton 100 Menthol swirled around your head. What else is going on with me?

I am “seeing” a woman but it’s not serious. The sex is great and she’s really nice but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with her or any such thing. You wouldn’t like her. For starters, she’s half black. But she’s fun and makes life less lonely. I don’t know that I’ll ever be married nor if I even want to. I’m in two minds about the matter. Perhaps as a sign of the times, I’ve got a few personal ads up on the Internet. I don’t know where all the interesting single women hang out nowadays. Wherever they are, they’re not at places I frequent. Hence the ads. A couple of them are phrased to indicate that I’m just looking for a fun activity partner while the others are more of an attempt to find someone with whom I can have a serious relationship. While that debate rages in my head, I keep myself busy with friends, books, cooking, etc. You’d be proud – I cooked up a whole mess of food last weekend. Polish food. I’ve been looking into my Polish heritage a bit including the food and music. Hopefully I’ll get around to reading some history soon. I suppose after my Polish phase, I’ll have to do the German thing. I can’t lean too heavily towards mom’s side of the family.

Well, this is all for now. I’ll write again. I hope things aren’t too bad wherever you are. Say hello to Tiresias should you see him.

Love and Thanks,
Tim