Close Encounter With HP Tech Support

It took all of 5 days for me to have a problem with my new computer - a dead DVD drive. While I'm not sure when it met its ignominious death, I noticed the thing's distinct inability to burn CDs yesterday evening. My trash can is now filled with coasters. I tried two different brands of blank CDs in multiple programs and the device was un- and then reinstalled all to no avail. Of course, there were also numerous reboots and a cold boot or 2 as well. I had a Sony CD drive exhibit the exact same behavior a few years back so I knew it was dead.

It had been 11 years since I'd bought a PC, having built the most myself. I felt genuinely irked having to contact HP technical support and be at the mercy of someone else. Not only that, I knew that business customers with expensive contracts get help from folks right here in the U.S. of A. while we lowly consumers suffer with the hit or miss proposition of a drone in India. Please don't take this to mean I have something against the people of the sub-continent because that is certainly not the case. Instead I mean such interactions are occasions for a native speaker of English and non-native speaker to wildly miscommunicate and waste time endeavoring to simply understand one another as opposed to finding a solution. And so it was off the HP site for a chat, i.e. - a chat window. There wasn't a cat in hell's chance of me calling support.

I am generally a patient person and, having done technical support over the phone for the general public, I am sympathetic to the plight of those who are unfortunate enough to have the technical vocation equivalent to flipping burgers at McDonalds. Believe me, the people who try to help you fix your computer have a lousy job. But it can be interesting.

For instance, I learned that there is a certain neighborhood here in America that defies all known laws of geometry and topology. When I did phone support for AT&T's dial-up internet access, I spoke with all of AT&T CEO Michael Armstrong's next-door neighbors. All 100+ of them. How can a guy have that many next door neighbors? I don't know but I had lots of angry people tell me they lived next door to the guy and that they expect the best customer service. Otherwise the next time they go yachting with Mr. Armstrong, he’s gonna hear about it. The customer is never wrong, right? I couldn't give a rat's ass because, little did they know, I was not an AT&T employee. Instead I worked out on Madison's west side for Sitel.

And then there was the time that my boss gave me the urgent task of making one particular customer happy who happened to be a reporter for the New York Times. The big boys at AT&T's telecomm equivalent of the Hall of Justice didn't want bad publicity. I was to satisfy this customer at all costs. Luckily they turned to the right guy. In my possession were super-secret access numbers that were never given to the general public - they were for used for testing and maintenance purposes. So I switched the reporter over to one of those numbers and he was set. Feeling all proud of myself for having saved AT&T face, I went on the Net and looked up just who this guy was. My bosses got their panties in knot over a fucking restaurant critic. What were they expecting him to do?

"The foie gras was delicious as was the roast capon with a terragon reduction. Oh, and my internet service provider sucks."

No, there’s no glory in being a first-level tech support person.

Things started off well enough as my chat request was answered quickly by a Renuka. I give her the basic info she desires such as model, serial number, and version of Windows before meticulously and clearly explaining my troubleshooting failures. This didn’t matter because she did what her HP overlords demand of her – stick to the script and follow procedure. People like Renuka are monitored in their job performance. They get in trouble when they don’t address a customer just as they are told and are docked points for not following the standard troubleshooting steps, the demands of the situation and customer be damned.

Now, I am a PC technician by trade and I thought that selecting “Expert” from the Technical Ability drop-down menu would mean that the person with whom I would chat could take off the kid gloves and perhaps deviate from the script. But no. Renuka diligently had me repeat the same measures which I explicitly told her I had already done. Such is technical support. I bet that 75% of the problems these folks encounter are solved by a reboot or by directing the user to the correct button to push. The remaining issues probably end with the technician having the customer reinstall Windows. This alleviates the need to actually troubleshoot a problem to any great extent which means technicians don’t need a great deal of technical knowledge which, of course, means you don’t have to pay them very much.

From out of left field, Renuka says she wants me to uninstall Nero. I am flummoxed because A) I told her previously that the same problem occurs when I try to burn with Windows Media Player and B) I also noted that I had already uninstalled it. Was this because of her limited ability with English? Not reading what I typed completely? Or was she simply following the script? The last one. I knew this because I’d already consulted HPs website and we were covering the same old ground as the website article.

Luckily I noticed a handy hardware diagnostic utility on my PC. I ran the CD write test, first with a Brand X CD and then a Brand Z disc and it failed both times. The only reason I can think of for HP to not include the running of the diagnostic in the script is to get the techs to reinstall Windows and get rid of the customer. Renuka tried to pull a more minor stunt at first. She told me that she wanted me to reinstall Nero and then politely typed, “Is there anything else apart from this, we may support you with?” Yeah, how about helping me solve the problem. I am sure she got into trouble for spending too much time assisting me.

I proceed to explain to her that the drive failed the hardware diagnostic and go so far as to include the exact message I get: "The CD-R test has failed. The failure could be caused by a scratched, dirty or defective media, or it could be an actual hardware problem." Her reply?

“Okay, are you sure that your sytem failed the hardware diagonistic test for cddvd drive.”

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I am reading “has failed” correctly. Mind you we are 45 minutes into the chat session and I am losing patience. I realize that she deals with people who think the DVD drive tray is a cup holder (yes, there are really such people) and those who, upon being asked to close all their windows, actually get up from their chairs and slide panes of glass framed in wood or aluminum downwards (I shit thee not), but I gave her the exact error message which included the word “failure” twice.

I finally convince Renuka that I have a hardware failure and she inquires about my warranty. I inform her that the unit is 5 days old – it had fucking better be under warranty. (No, I didn’t use the f-word.) She continues, “Then one another option is that ,you can do recovery.” I nearly lost it. She is telling me that I can either wait 5 days for a new drive, the option which will fix my problem, or I can spend 20 minutes reinstalling Winders and then another few hours putting all my applications back on with a DVD drive that’s still inoperable. I am just too nice because I told her that I was more than happy to wait 5 days for a new drive. Lastly, I ask Renuka if they can just ship the thing to me as I can install it myself instead of trying to coordinate a time for an overworked contractor to come to my home and do it. She informs me that, unlike in the bad old days, HP does not send techs to people’s homes and all customers must do the installs themselves. I can just imagine how frustrating it would be for a technophobic grandma to be told that she is going to have to pop the case open and tinker with the electronics herself. Does HP include a wristband in the packaging? Presumably such people take the ailing PC and the part to a local tech at Milwaukee PC or Best Buy to do the install which probably costs at least $75. I really should start a PC repair company up again.

The moral of the story here is to avoid online or phone technical support if at all possible. Instead, drop me a line and I’d be happy to undercut the Geek Squad or Milwaukee PC.