There is a winter solstice tradition which begins with writing down on paper what you want to see banished from your life. Once your bonfire has grown to become a bulwark against the impending darkness, you toss the piece of paper into the purifying flames to rid yourself of that which is holding you back, that which plagues your life. The winter solstice is still 3+ months away but I was reminded of this tradition this past weekend.
I threw away all of the cards and letters (and an ultimatum too) that my wife had written me over the years. Oh, and some notes that I took during a few months when I consulted a therapist. I hope they get recycled into something nice. An origami swan, perhaps? Maybe just some quicker picker upper? At least paper towels have some utility.
While I was going to keep them - my wife is a fine writer, a quality which endeared her to me, and she wrote many nice things about me during the first 18 or so years of our relationship - I found that recalling the past 2+ years that were riddled with her abusive behavior, harassment, theft, gaslighting, etc. convinced me to rid myself of even these treasured tokens of better days.
Truth be known, it is tougher everyday to even recall better times. It's like I have received partial treatment from the device in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And when I do recall some of them, the people in those memories often feel like strangers to me. As if my wife actually bidding "Good morning" to me while looking into my eyes was this inconceivable event like the Vikings winning the Super Bowl.
I had a conversation with a friend recently in which I admitted that I feel stupid for having stuck it out for so long. Looking back, I think that when my wife mocked me for almost taking a digger because of her actions and never offering an apology was the big, glaring sign that we had crossed the point of no return. The only thing missing was the hand of God descending from the firmament and pointing his big, divine index finger at it.
But, like a fool, I held out hope that she/me/us could change or figure it out or that, in some way, our relationship would take a turn for the better. Fool is the operative word here because it became evident that her behavior was a feature, not a bug, as they say, and I was unable to respond in a meaningful way.
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One of the lessons I've learned is rather obvious when you're not consumed with erecting walls between you and the woman who once made you feel complete, once made you the happiest man in the world. And that is that divorce takes a village, so to speak.
It's not just two people ending their relationship and renouncing commitments. And it's not merely 2 people and immediate family. When you marry you have a bunch of people present to witness the joining and to participate in it. When you divorce those same people who lifted the happy couple up before all in celebration (plus any new ones) are then left to deal with the unfortunate turn of events, the sadness, the anger, and perhaps not knowing where they stand with two people who used to be one. Family, friends, acquaintances are all affected too. They may rally around one or both of you; they may not know how to act in the presence of one of the divorcees; they may find that their affections for one of the former couple have become animosity or, at least, indifference.
When divorce became a reality for me, I scrambled to let people know. Most people. I delayed telling family but found doing so remarkably easy compared to the dreaded scene that I had built up in my mind. After much hemming and hawing I finally told my in-laws and my youngest stepson that they're still family to me and that I hoped I was to them. Fortunately that was the case. When I moved in with my wife (then girlfriend) I made a commitment to be a stepdad. Now that my marriage is over and however imperfect a stepfather I may be I remain true to my pledge.
There are a handful of people whose actions and words have had a particularly comforting effect on me these past couple months.
A few days after being served papers, I ran into the woman who officiated our wedding. I told her about the divorce and apologized for disgracing her work by not even getting to 10 years. The hug she gave me, the kiss on the cheek, and words of encouragement couldn't have come at a better time. They really helped convince me that better times were ahead, that this too shall pass at a time when I felt like I was in a deep, dark hole that led to nowhere. Her words and deeds uplifted me and kept me from getting bogged down early.
Recently I was with a group of friends and one told me that he and another friend had talked about my situation together. He revealed
"**_________** really loves you. Tears came to his eyes as we talked."
It was heartening to hear this, to know that someone is resolute in standing by me. That friend and I have had many conversations about my marriage and its end and he has been steadfastly there for me me on all levels, providing support as well as being a cheerleader and advocate. I really couldn't ask for more.
A new friend has also been invaluable. She has not only helped me learn to bake pies, but has also lent her ear freely. Her counsel comes in generous portions and I have found it to be invaluable in gaining perspective and simply getting a grip on my life at this point. She is perpetually cheerful and it's hard not to feel some of that mirth rubbing off on me when I am with her.
Speaking of which, I think I have spent nearly as much time with her as my companion in the past couple months than with my wife all of this year up to early July when I was served papers. It's sad when looking backwards but wonderful when I cast my eyes ahead.
And, of course, there's Piper.
My little sweetpea emotional support cat cuddles with me every night and her purr lulls me into the arms of Morpheus. She has been my sole source of affection at home for too long a time. Petting her is so calming with her soft fur a joy to run my hands across and through. I hope to find her a new cat mother ere long.
Plus she's a killer!
Now that I think about it, there are other friends that deserve mention. But they'll have to wait for another post as this one is careering out of control.
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