Fearful Symmetries

Witness a machine turn coffee into pointless ramblings...

30 December, 2003

Seeking The Teeth

Something in me, dark and sticky
All the time it's getting strong
No way of dealing with this feeling
Can't go on like this too long

Her: ya know what? i just might need to start hanging out in places like that. normally i go for nice, clean cut guys with good jobs and all that other b.s. and that is NOT working for me. guess i need a dirtball in my life.

Her: maybe a dirtball will be nice to me.

Me: Was your last boyfriend not nice to you?

Her: you know, there is a realllly fine line between teasing and hurting/being mean. And he crossed that line so many times I couldn't even count. And he knew it and didn't care.

Her: And sometimes he wasn't even teasing - just plain being mean.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that.

Her: I experienced some violence last year so I have fear

Her: it was bad....

Me: I'm sorry!

Her: Oh its ok - it is just that it makes it more difficult for my confidence

Me: Well, I can certainly understand your hesitation. Are you OK aside from some fear?

Her: I have 1 broken tooth at the back thats left physically

Her: other wise no lasting stuff you can SEE

Her: I dont talk about this enough, I am very ashamed

Me: Don't feel ashamed!

Her: after he beat me I did not leave him right away

Me: How long did it take you to leave him?

Her: 3 months

Me: why did you stay with him? did u think he'd change?

Her: its like I was in a trance or something - SO much fear

Her: I felt like I could not live without him

Me: Why didn't you report this guy to the police?

Her: too scared - get this - the truth is - I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE HIM

Me: Emotions are such wonderful things but can be so fucking weird sometimes.

Her: thank you for not telling me to 'get over it' or saying 'what th e hell i s wrong with you'

Her: very rare - you are cool

Me: You're welcome!

Her: I feel vunerable that I told someone about the beatings. I need reasurance that it will stay quiet

Me: What can I do?

Her: just don't ever make light of it please - I just feel kinda exposed

Me: I promise you I won't. I like you - I didn't mean to pry or anything.

Her: oh I know - its amazing that I told someone that over the internet

Me: I am very honored that you did - thank you for trusting me.

Her: ..something about you - I can tell you are not one of these morons that exist on the chats

The earthly power sucks shadowed milk from sleepy tears undone
From nippled skin as smooth as silk the bugles blown as one
You lie there with your eyes half closed like there's no - one there at all
There's a tension pulling on your face
Come on, come talk to me
|| Palmer, 11:55 AM


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