No Apology Needed, No Regret Necessary

The next day, Pam sent me an email apologizing for having been the ring leader in our adventures.:

i am soooo sorry for my behaviour last night. It was really uncalled for. i'm just realizing now how drunk i was. i never would have let things go to that point otherwise. it's a wonder i even made it back here. i can only hope my car is in one piece when i go out to the garage. it was bound to happen eventually it's just a little awkward now that it was jennifer. tell her i'm sorry about that -- i hope when we meet again things won't be bizarre. and the next time i see YOU for that matter. god, bill can never find out about this. he'd never let me do stuff with you again.

anyways, i did have a good time as always. i hope we can overlook this little lapse in my good judgement.

xoxo pam

I felt saddened that she should feel this way so I replied:

What in the name of Jehovah are you talking about?!

There's no need to apologize for anything. The Dulcinea and I had a great time. She couldn't stop talking about it yesterday. You made her feel really, really wonderful! She's been really stressed out with her divorce and life generally as of late and she was incredibly happy to not only to have so much physical pleasure but also so much attention given to her. She was aglow all day yesterday so don't feel bad at all.

The only problem I foresee is when I tell her that you're coming to visit again that she'll demand a repeat performance. ;) Again, there's nothing to apologize for so don't feel bad. Our friendship has survived the stupidity of high school and drunken nights in college. I'm thinking this ain't nuthin'. :D I told The Dulcinea this yesterday: I was kind of worried about you 2 meeting. What if you didn't get along? I needn't have worried. Hehe

So, did you get to yoga class OK? I've got one of your ropes, BTW. I presume that not all of those boxes of chocolate were for you - have you tasted any of it?

Whew! I didn’t want anyone to feel bad about that night as I thought it was wonderful. She wrote back:

well, your email made me feel a lot better. i was obsessing yesterday that i'd maybe pushed her into something... i mean, i didn't remember her trying to resist but i wasn't sure. i never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that happening. in a way i wish i could tell bill but in reality i know he wouldn't take it well. maybe years down the road it'll come out and he'll be fine with it. i've mentioned it to him before in a joking way that he should bring a girl home -- he didn't take me seriously and frankly, i didn't take me seriously either... this has all given me a different perspective on myself for sure.

anyway, i'm glad The Dulcinea enjoyed herself. I enjoyed myself too as much as i'm trying to convince myself otherwise. that's funny about you being worried... i liked her from first meeting her. I remember later on i just kept telling her how beautiful she was. it's true. she's very attractive and sexy... obviously. guess this is what happens when two randy thirty year old women and a length of rope get together. i'm still in shock. i know you and i will be fine ... i guess I was just concerned more about you and jennifer and me and jennifer going forward. i'm really thinking too much about this. that's me tho. so, when I left did i basically just run from the house like cinderella??? cuz i don't remember giving a proper farewell.

Looking back, I have to say that it was one of most exciting as well as most sensual experiences I’ve ever had. The whole time I felt very close to Pam and The Dulcinea. It didn’t feel like we were doing things to each other but rather a sense of the 3 of us all going to the same place with a common purpose. We were all helping one another this wonderful feeling of unity and of togetherness. It was almost like there had to be 3 of us to get where we were going, wherever that may have been. Several years ago, I wrote an essay which contrasted pornography and erotica. I argued that pr0n was purely prurient, i.e. –was directed solely at sexual arousal. Erotica, on the other hand, had a prurient element but also entailed more. That extra stuff is almost ineffable but I described as attainment of a sense of communion. By this I mean that erotica sheds reveals the way sex gives one gets a great sense of companionship with other human beings. You can see our commonalities and gain an understanding that one path to true happiness is via other people. Erotica shows sex in a light that helps you comprehend your self and our shared humanity. In this sense, that Saturday night was possibly the most erotic night of my life. It is no lie to say that all 3 of us were changed by that night. A lot of food for thought came out of it and new perspectives for each of us about ourselves.

For my part, that night gave me some nice masturbation fantasies and made me question my sexuality. I’m reading about polyamory. While I don’t think it’s fair to say that I’m polyamorous just yet, I do think about that part of my sexuality. I’d never been in a threesome before and so I really don’t have any basis for comparison. I can’t say what it’s like to be in one with a partner or partners whom I don’t know intimately as a friend or lover. I have this gut feeling that I was really lucky to have had my first with 2 womyn for whom I have intense feelings, that are friends and not strangers. I feel closer to The Dulcinea and Pam. We shared something really special. My sense of trust in each of them was already great but grew even larger. And I feel like I know both of them better and on a deeper level. While I don’t know what will become of The Dulcinea and I in the future, I know Pam and I will be friends until the very end. It’s like I know her on a different level now that goes beyond the physical, although I now know her more deeply on that level as well. It’s like loving her as a friend as well as a lover. Like we are going on the greatest and most improbably journey together.

As for my relationship with The Dulcinea, it deepened greatly. A greater sense of trust was gained, I think, and more of a feeling that we’re going through things together, that we’re a team, of sorts. Who knows if we’ll explore this again. I think we both want to but want to slowly, carefully to see what we can learn about each other and about ourselves. It’s like a door has opened up and we want to check out what’s on the other side.