Although I surely knew it instinctually, I never thought about how emotionally exhausting divorce would be until I was actually in media res of one. I take a little comfort in knowing that it must be even worse for couples with minor children, lots of shared property and expensive doodads to quarrel over, etc. Having said that, I am looking forward to getting off this roller coaster of sadness and anger as soon as my brain is able. Despite my best efforts, I often find myself mining the past for clues as to when our marriage reached the point of no return or rehashing the times when I felt I was being mistreated in one way or another. I'll fixate on a particular event or series of related events for a day or 2 before finding something else to lament.
It's a rainy day and I am in a room at a flophouse with an air conditioner so loud that it gives the F-35s out at Truax a run for their money. I've been meaning to write about my life at this point but I have also been trying to keep busy and spend time with people as much as I can to ward off the Robinson Crusoe levels of loneliness I feel. Piper is lying next to me, occasionally dozing off when not looking at me expecting pets any second. It took a couple days but she finally got comfortable with the room and stopped hiding. The first night she was here she dared not leave her carrier. I tried to inveigle her out with the promise of treats to no avail. Looking at her nestled in the blankets inside the carrier, I could see the fear in her eyes and my heart broke. Again. I cannot recall the last time I felt so heartbroken as in the past couple weeks or so. Piper is my companion more than she can ever know.
The flophouse I'm staying at for another few days is on the outskirts of town. While I could have chosen something not so far from everything, I really enjoy the all-too short drive through the country in the morning when I head into town where I park my car and then hop on the bus which takes me to work. Today I went to the coffeehouse that I've adopted as something of an escape from home. I take the long way there - the scenic route and put on some calming, ethereal music as the trees, cornfields, cows, and many a sandhill crane go by my window.
There are moments when I can just lose myself in the scenery and feel the pull of Mother Nature as I drive though wooded areas or see her reclaiming a dilapidated barn. Other times I ruminate on my failed marriage. Today my brain was fixated on the adage about never going to be angry being good advice. I regret that we never adhered to it.
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