I want to extend an opportunity to all female readers:
While Vincent Gallo is asking a million dollars for his sperm, I want to extend a special offer to my female readers out there. I will give you my sperm via natural insemination FOR FREE! Yes, you heard me right - FREE! How can you beat that?! If you are not fully satisfied with your insemination, I'll keep doing it until you are! Look at Gallo's offer:
Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.
Notice all of the restrictions? Now look at my offer:
FREE SPERM! I don't care if you are a natural blonde with blue eyes or not. I will integrate very happily with those of extremely dark complexions.
And, if you act now on this exclusive offer, you'll get the added bonus of having me perform cunnilingus on you. Yes, you heard right! Not only will you have my penis thrusting in and out of your vagina giving you spirals of orgasmic pleasure, but you also get my tongue massaging your vulva & clitoris. But wait - there's more!! I don't want to neglect your other hole so, if you desire, I will finger your anus for extra pleasure!! Yes, I shall pleasure both of your holes!! But that's not all! I'll even cook you a pre-coital prandial delight AND I'll do the dishes. Could it get any better?! Yes it can! As an added bonus to this already exclusive offer, I shall even snuggle in the afterglow, if you choose. How much would you pay for all of this?
~~a pre-coital dinner
~~I do the dishes
~~my tongue licking your pussy and clit
~~my cock in your pussy
~~my finger in your asshole
~~afterglow
$5? $10? Why pay when I will do it for FREE! So act now! This offer is only good for another 40 or so years!**
**Please consult this chart to make sure you are at or above the age of consent in your area to be eligible for this exclusive offer. Offer potentially void on women I deem unattractive or those who have a terminal STI.
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