Shortly after being served divorce papers I did some internet searching for a local divorce support group, one that met in-person. I felt that listening to and sharing with others in my position would be helpful in dealing with the unique loneliness that divorce bestows. Of course I wasn't alone as I had friends and family and Piper and co-workers that populated my life, helped shape it, and give it meaning. But having my wife, the woman whom I trusted implicitly, whom I loved, whom I thought would be my companion through life, reject and disown me made me feel a certain kind of existential loneliness and I wanted to commiserate with others who knew this feeling.
After sifting and winnowing out groups for women only and those with a religious bent, I was left with one gathering where a godless man might be welcome. I eagerly contacted the host and was told that the group no longer meets.
And so I did a little research on books about divorce. If I couldn't be with fellow divorcees then perhaps I could glean some wisdom from the printed page. I say a little because the hunt didn't last too long. My recollection says that the books I encountered didn't seem interesting to me or didn't seem to approach the subject as I desired. From their descriptions they came off as cheesy self-help schlock or perhaps were focused on the plight of people with minor children, a condition that did not apply to me. I proceeded to get on with life, I suppose you could say, largely by engaging in various activities to get out of the house so as to avoid my wife who took a similar course of action.
Things on the research front didn't change until recently after a bout of chatting with my eldest stepson and his fiancée. I came away feeling like I should give them some advice as they look to form a permanent union but also felt quite hesitant since my marriage was a disaster.
This ambivalence got me in the mindset to start seeking out books about divorce again. I ran into a Reddit thread which seemed helpful. In it someone recommended This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships by Matthew Fray and the comments led me to further investigation. I discovered that Fray had his 15 minutes of viral fame about 10 years ago with an essay he wrote called "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink".
The premise of the piece is essentially that you have be on the lookout for little things in a relationship and he illustrated this by telling of his own marriage and the damage done to it by the countless times he left a drinking glass by the sink instead of putting it into the dishwasher. Death by a thousand cuts.
There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her.
...
The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.
She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner.
...
She’s fighting for acknowledgment, respect, validation, and his love.
I felt like he captured a lot of went wrong in my marriage in his essay and sought out interviews with him online. Here's a good one that's fairly brief yet highly informative.
Having read his essay and watched a few interviews with him, it is notable to me how my wife used the same language as he does, which is to say that she used the language of someone who makes their living from helping others with their intimate partnerships. "Emotional labor" is the first term that springs to mind, though I am unsure if he uses it in this particular interview. I'd have to rewatch some interviews but shivers went up my spine multiple times as he said things that my wife parroted to me.
********
One evening a couple weeks or so before my wife filed for divorce, I found her in the kitchen crying after she'd returned from a friend's home. A conversation ensued in which she did most of the talking but, to the best of my recollection, we didn't argue.
She stood by the sink so I made sure to stand at the opposite end of the kitchen from her as I didn't want to be close to her in case she decided to lash out and, quite honestly, I simply didn't want to be near her. Through her tears, she lamented, "I feel so alone!" Two things sprang to mind at this point.
First was that I understood completely. I too felt alone. My wife barely spoke to me by this time and, when she did, it was normally snark and snideness. Or simple, direct opprobrium. When I told her that just bidding me good morning instead of starting her day by either ignoring me and retreating to the carport to watch TikTok videos and doomscroll social media or launching into a tirade by yelling at me from the foot of the stairs would be a good way to proceed, I received a text the following morning that began:
Good morning good morning good morning. Oh joyous morn.
She was keen on conducting our marriage largely via email - and she had a new email address created for this purpose. If there was an emergency, I was not allowed to call or text her; instead I had to email her.
My wife's ability to simultaneously be spiteful & distant on one hand and seeming to genuinely long for healing & intimacy on the other was extraordinary.
The second thing that I recall thinking at this point was that I was happy. Happy that I felt no desire to comfort my wife despite the waterworks. I didn't want to hug her nor to console her in any manner. Instead I was content to just let her continue to speak her piece at a distance.
She continued sobbing and then let me told me something that I'd known for some time. "I don't mind clutter but the house has to be clean," she protested. Or something akin to that. And this is where Fray's ideas come in.
By this time I had spent 16+ years expressing dissatisfaction at my wife's hoarding, at having to navigate a house full of her hoarder piles, and, in general, clutter clutter everywhere. Some areas of our house were decluttered when she had invited company over but that type of respect was rarely extended to me. At last she had verbalized it. She finally uttered words indicating that she had no respect for me, that she was unwilling to even attempt to change the way she did things because I was not important. Her drinking buddies from the tavern (nice people from what I could tell) commanded respect and decluttering but not her own husband.
********
I felt very stupid after this conversation because I then understood that she had been telling me I was not important, not worthy of respect for 16+ years. Sixteen plus years. To my mind she was well aware of the messages she was sending. And I put up with it. In retrospect, I think that I began to regret my marriage 10 or so months prior to this incident after she issued an ultimatum to me, she began accusing me of wrongthink, and she twisted our wedding anniversary into an argument about politics. About 2 months before this conversation new feelings sank in: shame and embarrassment. I began to feel ashamed and embarrassed at having married my wife after I heard about a visit she made to a couple friends of mine where she shit talked me to the point of making them uncomfortable.
This kitchen sink conversation only served to heighten those feelings.
I am inured to the thought that the regret will dog me the rest of my life but hope that the shame and the embarrassment fade with time. For now, when I think about my brother, I apologize to him. Although I would love to have his support in these times, a part of me is relieved that he is no longer with us to see me stumble and fall, to witness my failure, and to feel Fremdschämen at his brother's ineptness.
********
I think that if I am ever inclined or asked to give my stepson and his fiancée marriage advice I will tell them to look up Matthew Fray. I will also tell them to not be like me.
On reflection, it occurs to me that I have been a deist when it comes to romantic relationships and was in my marriage. Like a deity that creates the universe and then steps back and watches events unfold rather than getting involved with miracles and revelation, I tend to get the relationship up and going on a desired trajectory and then refrain from intervening thereafter, expecting inertia to somehow keep the flame alive. And perhaps my significant other. The plant analogy seems apt. You've got to water and feed a plant, give it its desired amount of sunlight. I am just not good at nurturing relationships.
While I think I've learned a lesson, I have to actually apply it. We shall see how that goes.
No comments:
Post a Comment