Fearful Symmetries

Witness a machine turn coffee into pointless ramblings...

26 July, 2005

Nightthinking

It nears 10 and I'm about ready to hit the rack after a hearty dinner and some great conversation. I made the Polish pot roast and had Marv's company. It was good to see him again as it had been a few weeks. He gave blood today and had a few beers after work so he arrived with an appetite. To tide him over, I busted out some of that strawberry jalapeno jam and spread it on crackers with cream cheese. Marv took to it like flies to fecal matter. Curiously enough, he knows the guy who made the jam they are both denizens of the Paradise Lounge. Marv and I shot the shit and caught up on things as I made dinner AND brandied those cherries. Yes, I stopped in at a store and snagged a few jars after work. Hopefully Lyle will have the rest of the jars for me tomorrow so I can polish off that last bag. I managed to pack 4 pints with 3 of them having brandy while the 4th was bourbonized. Good bourbon too. I'm gonna reserve that jar for special occasions. I have pictures buy am too lethargic right now to offload them from my camera. I also got a call from Pete tonight as he was wondering what was happening tomorrow night which happens to be my birthday. I guess we're going to head out for a few brews and perhaps cause some trouble. Finally, I think I've got a hotel room lined-up for GenCon. My friend Don is going to speak with his contingency's hotel reserver about a spare room. Plus it looks like I'll be doing some camping this weekend up by the Dells with some folks from Chicago. I hope to be able to get together with Miss Rosie before the weekend as it looks like I'll be out of town the whole time. And I've gotten a hold of Kias - he wants me to mess around with his new computer. So I'll be making a trek out to Cambridge next week to see The Finn. In addition, I emailed a bunch of friends to direct them to my podcast. I haven't seen or spoken to some of them in a while so it's time to get reacquainted. Overall, it was a productive day. I felt a burst of motivation and regained contact with friends, had the company of one, did some shopping, did some things I enjoy doing, and laid plans for a vacation and a camping trip.

I must admit that life slowed down a bit last month. At some point, I felt like I needed space; some time alone. I think that this feeling came to me shortly before The Dulcinea and I parted ways. I've had my time alone and I feel more gregarious now. I'm not sure why my brain needed some solitude but it did. I now feel ready to be out there again. The Dulcinea complained that her social circle was incredibly small. This was true enough and I think I felt burdened with being her social director or, at least, being the main component of social life. Such a role was not something I wanted but, in hindsight, I'm not sure that I ever had it so I don't mean my comments in an insulting way. Looking back, I think the great lesson to be culled from my time dating The Dulcinea is to accept things at face value. I think that I went into the relationship with a lot of preconceived notions and self-imposed parameters for dealing with a divorced woman with children. I don't really regret our parting and don't want to delve very far into speculation because it's fairly pointless to do so and all I know is that my heart wasn't into it nearly as much as my cock. But from where I sit right here and right now, I think that many of the insecurities I felt, many of the misgivings I had about the situation were the result of me consulting a chimerical guidebook on how to act without actually looking at the situation first. It was as if I took the advice of the book and molded reality around it rather than looking at reality and finding out what the book had to say about it.

I recalled earlier today some advice that my father gave me several years ago. I'd gone up to visit him and my stepmother and was preparing to head back home. My dad was drunk. While I don't remember the whole scenario and what precipitated his comment, he told me something to the effect that the only constant in life is change. Or that we are always changing. Something like that, at any rate. I think of this as the only paternal sagely advice he ever gave to me. Life changes whether you do anything or not, whether you notice it or not. When we feel lonely or when we are taking some time in solitude for ourselves, we don't notice the changes. But when we see that we're not really alone or we emerge from solitude, we can see all the changes that have occurred around us. Some are good and some are bad. Some minor while some more profound.

Each day this week has been very significant for me. I'll explain later but I will say that this week has been one of anamnesis so far. Yesterday was horrible as feelings I haven't felt in a while returned. And today was a great day as other different feelings returned. Right now, my mind is doing its thing to place the year or so that we spent together in the proper spot. But the mind works slowly, too slowly perhaps, so things still sometimes cut close to the bone. As time goes on, however, all those experiences and memories will be put in their proper places, their homes in my Memory Bank. Tonight I feel incredibly thankful that she chose to spend a year of her life with me.
|| Palmer, 10:52 PM

1 Comments:

that is probably the very best advice he ever could have given you. the deeper i travel into yogic/buddhist practice the more i come back to that truth. change is the only constant. everything changes. attachment and clinging is guaranteed to cause suffering at some point. the best you can do is learn how to let go, swim to the middle of the river and let the current take you where it will without struggle and with thankfulness. it sounds so easy. =)


so out of curiosity... is there anyway to search blogs on here??

tomorrow is Kings of Leon!! i'm blasting Four Kicks right now...
Blogger Slaide, at 3:42 PM  

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